OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO oOOOO OOOO. OOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" .OOOOOO OOOOOo OOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOO oOOOOOOO OOOOOOO. OOOO oOOOO OOOO .OOOO OOOO OOOOOOOOo OOOO OOOO" OOOO oOOOO OOOO OOOO "OOOO. OOOO OOOOo .OOOO' OOOO .OOOO" OOOO OOOO OOOOoOOOO "OOOO. oOOOO OOOO oOOOOOOO..OOOO OOOO "OOOOOOO OOOOoOOOO" OOOO .OOOO"""OOOOOOOO OOOO OOOOOO "OOOOOOO' OOOO oOOOO ""OOOO OOOO "OOOO OOOOOO |---------------------------------------------------------------------------| | | | There Ain't No Justice | | | | #110 | | | |---------------------------------------------------------------------------| - Going Crazy in the Suburbs 09: - "Teach Me to be Happy" by Hairy hypnotized stares piercing into into insubordination took some time off absent without leave, so to speak this sickness always stays gristle lips that won't work how are you? why? why am i here.. in this swine? abysmal time do you fear? fear the future like i do? stale poetry rooted in drink intoxication and escapism mirror my soul disintegrating reflections bad posture weak smile "tell me tell me what am i doing here?" /////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\//////////////////////////////////// nothing to say nothing to do "you're beautiful," they keep telling me when will i believe? maybe when someone foreign recognizes it some beast i've not yet tamed i'm not beautiful lovely pretty or anything inbetween i'm just stale expanse dead weight change me correct me fill this void make me something worthwhile something tangible something anything just just take me away from myself from all this grief "teach me to be happy" /////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\//////////////////////////////////// my hand is healing. yay. your tongue is probably healing much faster, but i'm going to try and not be jealous about that. everyone responds with the same stupid, "didn't that hurt" response. of course it fucking hurt, you asshole. i mean, how can you poke a large piece of stainless steel through yourself without it hurting a smidge? i'm standing at work and jill's presence is annoying me again.. while we're trading interesting facts, i only write to you, period. nobody else is interesting (or should that be read, "intelligent"?) enough to write to. besides, i've kind of gotten used to you. i'd hate to go back through all that "getting to know someone" nonsense. i'm going to siouxsie with nancy, so i'd better see you there. i don't care what sort of strings you have to pull, i will see you there, or else. i want a hug, so.. so there. i've only driven up to see nancy maybe four times in the past month. it's an annoying drive, and she never lets me leave. i've thought about driving over to visit you for awhile, but it's really out of the way. i'd end up driving 45 minutes south of her to get on 287, and then off to you. i should look at a map some day and find a quicker route, i'm sure there is one. july 27th, yes. i forgot your birthday, too, so don't feel bad or anything. i could dig back through all those letters and find it, but i figured i'd just ask again.. la, la, la. joy division at work. how.. cheerful. hope your mother didn't give you hell over the tongue. my parents seem fairly accepting. they looked at my hand, told me how disgusting it was, and then told me all about how it was my body and how i could mangle it however i saw fit. nancy and i have never "made love". well, atleast not in my observation. we've "fucked", because fucking is cold and meaningless. we've maybe "had sex" a few times, assuming sex is a step up from ""fucking". we're not very sexually compatible, i don't think. maybe we'll work at it, who knows. who cares? jill and i, now.. that was "compatible".. (sob, sob.) tom is 24 and he's a bigger baby than i am. sorry, i don't know him very well, but just from observation.. the guy needs to grow up. his whole life is stuck in that "high school gossip" stage, and it's bothering the shit out of me. i'm above all this "he said, she said" trash, and i'm tired of him dragging me down into it. i already feel like there are a million pairs of eyes staring at me when i go out at night, i don't need to stand there and wonder what tom has told all of those people about me. actually, i guess i should rather enjoy it. he's probably giving me more of a mysterious air. but, i hate people. waaaaaaaaaaaaaa. all these conflicts in my life.. this isn't much of a letter, i'm sorry. /////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\//////////////////////////////////// hello - nancy doesn't read your letters, don't worry. she read a bit that i showed her, and nothing more.. she's not that kind of a person. hello - my parents just "got rid" of our cat. what this means is that the animal we've lived with (and loved) for two years is now on "death row" in a pound somewhere. thanks, folks, i didn't even get a say in the matter.. thanks, folks, i didn't even get a chance to say "bye".. hello - i'm sitting at work on my day off typing things at you. hello - hand is healing well. hello - nancy & i don't hate each other or anything. we're fairly affectionate. it's just that we had both forgotten what concerts were like, and the siouxsie show wasn't terribly enjoyable. too hot, too crowded, too nasty. too overpriced. too many "straights". too many rude people. not to say it was all bad or anything, but i don't get very excited about.. well, anything. seeing siouxsie swing her chest (were those real?) around stage didn't really make me swoon.. (i could have sworn she was flatchested at one point in her life..) hello - maybe someday we can get together and do something, sure. teli was a virgin for some twenty years before the spanish 'encounter' at the limelight. there are things i should be doing besides this, but i don't care enough to do them. we didn't go to the bank that friday after the show, we went back to her house and slept. the following saturday, though, we did go out to the batcave. (first time i'd been there.) we drank about $40, and had a merry old time. nancy met some stripper called "keisha hell" and 'put the moves' on her. i ended up meeting somebody named "laura mccutchen" who works the coat check there. she grew up around here, and i met her through some mutual friend. strange to see another goth from the sticks.. she's going to some art school in the city, so i guess she's evolved out of this place. this font annoys me. i don't write by hand because it's ugly, it takes too long, and it gives my hand cramps. not to say this font isn't ugly, but at least it's consistent. hello - the bank isn't that bad, it's just tom and all of his "lil' buddies" that put me off on the place now. we're probably going to some new joint called "east berlin" this friday. they were handing out passes at the siouxsie show.. something tells me it's going to be a really cheesy bar, but who knows. hello - thanks for the hug. /////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\//////////////////////////////////// drunk in a strange place eye watching me eyes eyes feel it feel that escape /////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\//////////////////////////////////// name_____________________ multiple choice. please circle your answer. 1. m hasn't written because.. a.) she has finals and is very busy. b.) justin has offended her unknowingly. c.) chet is around and she's basking in love & joy. 2. justin hasn't written until now because.. a.) he's been busy. b.) he's been thoughtless. c.) he's been going out to clubs and drinking too much. 3. nancy and justin will most probably.. a.) break up and hate each other. b.) break up and be somewhat friendly. c.) all of the above. (?!?) 4. justin will read that "incredible lightness of being" book.. a.) next week. b.) next month. c.) next year. 5. jill annoys justin.. a.) sometimes. b.) all the time. c.) so much he wants to hurl her off a great big fucking cliff and watch her twisted mutilated carcass careen into trees and outcroppings during its slow and agonizing decent into a swirling river of piss. d.) (other, please explain.)___________________________________________ 6. justin met someone this past tuesday who.. a.) looked just like m from across the balcony of the limelight, but obviously wasn't when he got close enough to see. b.) was a complete airhead. c.) was less than 17 years old. 7. the limelight is.. a.) overpriced for admission. b.) overpriced for drinks. c.) installing tackier and tackier decorations. d.) painting the walls white (!) and putting goth in that quiet little room down by the coatcheck, where is just DOES NOT belong. e.) all of the above. 8. justin is.. a.) at work. b.) bored. c.) broke. d.) in debt. e.) fed up with his job. f.) thinking about applying to stevens, getting lots of financial aid, studying something he doesn't care about, living on campus, joining a frat, and having keg parties. 9. in the past two weeks or so, justin has met.. a.) natalie. b.) laura. c.) kate. d.) tracy. e.) that russian girl, the one he forgot to get the name of. 10. of the above, justin is interested in.. a.) none of the above. b.) none of the above. c.) even less than none of the above. 11. this test is.. a.) long-winded. b.) tedious. c.) a welcome change from all that shitty "i'm so miserable" poetry that justin writes when he's sitting around in a stupor. 12. "east berlin" @ robots on ave.b is.. a.) small. b.) comfortable. c.) climate controlled. d.) free before 11pm on fridays. e.) home of dj patrick, and other people who play decent things. f.) hopefully not the new hangout spot for tom & co. 13. m is.. a.) amused at this new and interesting form of communication. b.) worried about her score. c.) making little snorty noises because she's laughing so hard. d.) contemplating suicide to escape this new and grueling form of torture. 14. essay question. on a sperate sheet of paper,describe in detail the past fourteen days of your life. leave no aspect of this time unmentioned. when completed, return for scoring to: hairy@pms.metronj.org /////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\//////////////////////////////////// another entertaining day the world whirls around and around in some mythical haze i don't even know what day it is day it was what difference would it make more stale bloated memories more dead flesh in the dark hey hey where'd that girl go? the other the one i killed extinguished in snarls and glares of hate what have you done to her? what have you done to her? blurred by smoke and emotion no clue no hope no desire /////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\//////////////////////////////////// when you live day to day, nothing matters. everything you're experiencing now will be nothing more than stale, bloated memory, grayed out by the emotionless decay of time. images hashed to bits within a few blinks - soon forgotten, soon meaningless. love, hate, pain, pleasure.. all forgotten soon enough. the reality of "now" is completely empty, completely absurd. you'll close your eyes and stare back at all of the things that used to be so important, and you won't even care. living will become a cycle of eating, sleeping, filling the conscious hours however possible. "i wonder how to kill the hours.." you can replay fragmented dreams of delirium, hopeless escapes into happiness, but in the end you will know - this is all superficial, this is all unimportant. it did happen, it might have happened, it never happened. what difference does it make? bulk storage capacity yields no emotional response. pick and choose between frayed bits of dreams, strands of a long-forgotten reality that you hold dear. "i close my eyes, i realize, i have become quite tranquilized." life will be a drug induced haze - - acid dreams and the haunting memories. life will cease to be life. it will devolve into performance for those lesser-than, those lacking in vision. those with a vision of time unlike your own. to them, this is really happening. to them, it makes some sort of a difference. they don't realize, they fail to comprehend. this is hallucination, nothing more. you will cease to feel, you will cease to care. it's the only way. "who knows, who cares, who'll remember anyway?" /////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\//////////////////////////////////// life in an alcohol haze stale pinched bitterness my own private void can't remember closeness can't remember infatuation vomited souls emerging evil evil giggling hell "see me feel me touch me heal me" big words lacking meaning tired, worn out phrases numbing isolation depression ad nauseam just shut up and fuck shut up and fuck shut up and fuck /////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\//////////////////////////////////// pseudo-intellectual bullshit poetry empty verses kept alive on hot air trying to live up to aspirations missing rungs on the ladder tripping up tripping down down down down alcoholism and regurgitated thoughts over and over over and over some detached strobing puzzle piece twisting in my head i can never find the words never find the meaning the escape cold stares nausea in the morning where does it end? /////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\//////////////////////////////////// can you see me? see this frightened little boy hiding behind tears false lives hopeless dreams see me? see me crying out from isolation from this never-ending spiral downwards everything i've ever known has washed away everything i've ever loved i've butchered i split apart at the seams crying out for anyone anyone to take this pain away make me whole again please please just make it stop a clue a tool anything something to hold on to please just one thing just one that won't slip away in the dawn something that won't corrode in the daylight please /////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\//////////////////////////////////// nancy's doing things to annoy me. i've no idea why, i guess it's just happening - but it bothers me. i'd go into details, but i'd rather just put it out of my mind. took the ring out of my hand. i (apparently?) picked up something heavy, and the top hole tore a bit. it formed a flap of skin that i could pick up and look into my hand with. much unpleasantness. lots of bleeding. i let it go for a week or so to see what it was going to do, and it wasn't getting any better. so - out it comes. met some girl named - hahahahaha - named jill.. although she's more woman than girl, being 28. she seems a nice person. let's try and be friends, and nothing more. got your letter. got your postcard. austin certainly doesn't look very "awesome." blah, blah, blah. not much to say. my fingernails slow my typing to a fucking crawl. stole a $1500 computer system (which i'm using now) from teli's college. just walked in and took it. wheeeeeeeee. so, i'm a horrible person. what else is new? i met this new & improved jill (hereafter referred to as jill^2) at the limelight some weeks ago. actually, teli met her. he was drunk and looking for girls to annoy. so, he annoyed her. it was closing time, and i went to fetch him so that i could get the hell out of there. she recognized me from the bank. how nice. anyway - somehow or other, teli got her e-mail address. i've no idea how "the information superhighway" came up in their conversation, but it did. at any rate, she schools at columbia. i got drunk the other night and wrote her a few pages of filth, sent it to her school's mail address. she wrote back. etc, etc. how entertaining this all seems. what the hell would i do with a 28 year old, anyway? talk about the 70's..? /////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\//////////////////////////////////// repeating meaningless gestures over and over around and around the end result - emptiness nothing this nagging stagnation bleak black and bloated i glare out from disgrace blinks and stares rattling the cage's bars what's the point of this action or that one or anything? blank spaces where memories used to live erased through alcohol through the starvation for touch and the tired search for compassion there is no end to this madness /////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\//////////////////////////////////// falling apart again feeling it washing over me rushing like the tide washing away all feelings of happiness joy worth everything there is to hold dear leaving me empty barren and scared barren and scared to death ú ùþ ú ú þù ú ÛÛÛÛÛÜÜÜÜþÜÜÜÜ ú ù ú ú ù ú ÜÜÜÜþÜÜÜÜÛÛÛÛÛ ±±±±ÛÛÛßÛ²ÝÛÝÛÛÝþ Üú úÜ þÝÛÛÝÛݲÛßÛÛÛ±±±± ±±±±²²²²²ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÜþúÝ ù ù ÝúþÜÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ²²²²²±±±± ±±²²²²ÛÛßßÛßÝÛÛÛÛÛÝÜúþ þúÜÝÛÛÛÛÛÝßÛßßÛÛ²²²²±± ²²²²²Ûß þúßÞþßþþÜùþ þùÜþþßþÞßúþ ßÛ²²²²² ²²²²Ûß ú ù ù ú ßÛ²²²² ²²²ÛÝ ÝÛ²²² ²²²ÛÜ ÜÛ²²² ±²²²ÛÝ ÝÛ²²²± ±±²²²ÛÜÜÜ ÜÜÜÛ²²²±± ±±±²²²²²²ÛÜ Phoenix Modernz Systems: 908/830-TANJ ÜÛ²²²²²²±±± ÛÛ±±±±±±²²²Û VapourWare BBS: 61/3-429-8510 Û²²²±±±±±±ÛÛ ÛÛ±±±±±±²²²Û underworld_1995.com 514/683-1894 Û²²²±±±±±±ÛÛ ±±±²²²²²²ÛÜ RipCo ][: 312/528-5020 ÜÛ²²²²²²±±± ±±²²²ÛÜÜÜ etext.archive.etext.org ÜÜÜÛ²²²±± ±²²²ÛÝ ÝÛ²²²± ²²²ÛÜ ÜÛ²²² ²²²ÛÝ ÕÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ͸ ÝÛ²²² ²²²²Ûß ú ù ³ TANJ Mailing Address ³ ù ú ßÛ²²²² ²²²²²Ûß þúßÞþßþþÜùþ ³ PO Box 174 ³ þùÜþþßþÞßúþ ßÛ²²²²² ±±²²²²ÛÛßßÛßÝÛÛÛÛÛÝÜúþ ³ Seaside Hts, NJ ³ þúÜÝÛÛÛÛÛÝßÛßßÛÛ²²²²±± ±±±±²²²²²ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÜþúÝ ù ³ 08751 ³ ù ÝúþÜÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ²²²²²±±±± ±±±±ÛÛÛßÛ²ÝÛÝÛÛÝþ Üú ÔÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ; úÜ þÝÛÛÝÛݲÛßÛÛÛ±±±± ÛÛÛÛÛÜÜÜÜþÜÜÜÜ ú ù ú tanj@pms.metronj.org ú ù ú ÜÜÜÜþÜÜÜÜÛÛÛÛÛ